i don’t want to feel lucky, i don’t want to have a good job & i don’t want to have a successful relationship. when i feel lucky & happy, i feel that i am going to lose something or something bad is going to happen. i want to have a shitty job & i want to get along less with my partner. maybe that way i’ll feel that nothing bad is going to happen, the plane i’ll be boarding won’t crash & i will not lose my partner or family. i am in constant fear of the ‘worst’. i want to get rid of this demon. i want to live without my obsessions.
why do i feel that anything good is too much for me? it’s one of two things: i should either trade the good things in my life with worse things, or i should learn how to live with my satisfaction.
i want to stop feeling guilty that i’m satisfied.
